The early years: How childhood shapes our marital expectations

Countless married people continue to experience challenges and limitations because they have not been able to become self-aware and overcome the fixed behaviors, perceptions, expectations, and reinforced norms that they have acquired during their socialisation and that prevent them from navigating and creating lasting bonds with their spouses.

During our 8th couples' getaway in 2022, one of the facilitators shared her experience in the early years of her marriage. She came from a family where the father's authority was unquestioned. His word was sought on every decision at home. On the other hand, her husband came from a matriarchal family where the mother made every important decision in the home. The wife expected the husband to demonstrate the norms and practices she had observed in her father. The husband, in turn, had expectations of a wife who would take the reins of authority like his mother.

Their childhood experiences affected the way they expressed love to each other; the decisions they made about disciplining their children; their relationships with friends; their expectations of gender norms and roles; and the way they communicated with each other and their children. Underlying all this was a failure of self-awareness and appreciation of the first principle of human adaptation. The principle that has ensured the survival of the human race - is "learn, unlearn and relearn". From a Christian perspective - the first rule for all marriages is "leave and cleave" - Genesis 2:24 and Matthew 19:5.